Georgetown Independent

Issue date: 7/9/08 Section: Commentary

Media Credit: giftbasketsbyconny.com

Let's get this straight: I am a food snob, a real critic, one to make Julia Child-types sweat. My palate can tell the difference between a white, blond and brown roux, and cuitlacoche (corn fungus) is my taco-topper of choice. More than anything, though, when it comes to my haute tastes, I can tell you there's one food virtue I adhere to without fail: You won't catch me eating in McDonald's, Panera or Chili's - I won't even drink water from any chain restaurant. No way.

For most people, this last thought is a little outrageous. They'll grab a quick bite at Ruby Tuesday's or Cold Stone Creamery without worry. Eating at these joints, in fact, doesn't sound bad - it actually makes them happy. To me, they are travesties of taste. Or at least, they were.

But there's an underlying reason why I can't stand this concept, the idea of munching on a Big Mac, besides its muddle of flavors. When I go somewhere new, I want to try new cuisine or something unique to wherever I am instead of the same old grub. If I'm traveling with friends, I'm out intrepidly searching for the best Mexican food in Edwina, Tennessee or a great bánh mì (Vietnamese sandwich) in Philadelphia. Yet my companions still want to patronize Subway. Their lack of taste infuriates me, but their taste buds are completely content. And my friends' tastes, as unusual as they might be, are not anomalies.

Let's take Washingtonpost.com's user rating reviews for Old Town Alexandria, a spot known for its profusion of eateries. Out of the 15 restaurants to receive a four-star reader rating (the best), five of them are chains. Firehook's, which is based in the D.C. area, was the only one to also receive the Post's editor's pick. Cosi, a mega-chain, got three out of four stars, and Chipotle, the corporate burrito behemoth, habitually secures the readers' choice for best Mexican food throughout this whole metropolis.

Considering these reviews, there must be several reasons why everyone likes these eateries. After much deliberation, here's a list of my best guesses:

Predictability. You know what you're going to get. Marching into a familiar chain, you can be sure that the chicken sandwich is always going to have mayonnaise on it and you're always going to have to ask for an extra slice of cheese. You can also develop favorite choices. This makes the customer comfortable, especially when too many options in a foreign place can be daunting. I've often heard the more choices you have, the unhappier you are. When you're in a strange place like Azerbaijan, the thought of a Starbucks in the middle of the desert seems extremely welcoming.

Branding. These chains project an image that caters to a certain mood. You can go to Applebee's when you want to stay in the neighborhood and have a fun meal or go to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse when you want something upscale and elegant. Because these chains are all over the place, we learn which places can satisfy a certain urge or craving. The marketing has successfully inundated our brains so we can identify what these establishments have to offer.

Affordability. It's as easy as that. These places are so large and well- managed that they can keep prices down. There are some exceptions, such as top-notch steakhouses like Smith & Wollensky, but when you can usually get a whole meal for under $10 and often a snack for 99 cents, why not eat at these places?

Reputation. This is most important. Their model has worked. People know these restaurants, and they like them very much. Certain places are able to expand because they have done things correctly from the beginning. People liked what they had to offer, so they were able to spread their product across the country, sometimes the globe. Maybe expansion has lowered their standards, but they've gotten the idea right. Tried and true.

The above reasons for why chains work also apply to industries other than food. It's why certain clothing stores, grocery stores and airlines (not for long) can keep attracting customers every day.

Reflecting on this list, my opinion has shifted slightly, and I've realized why some of these fast food places can work. There has to be something redeeming about D.C.'s own Red Hot & Blue for it to be picked by Consumer Reports as a great restaurant.

I'll admit that when I know exactly what I want to dine on, but I don't know where to get it, I might turn to a chain restaurant because of its predictability. It won't cost me too much either.

With some new light shed on chains, I'll confess there are a few places I may stop by and even enjoy in the area, specifically on M Street. I dare say Starbucks, Dean and Deluca and Le Madeleine might get my business. Even Pizzeria Uno can be good once in a while. And when I absolutely, positively cannot find acceptable food from South of the border, I'll head to - cringe - Chipotle. One other treat, if you didn't know it was a chain, is Le Pain Quotidien, though it violates the rule of affordability. I'll eat anything in there, and I'll enjoy every last bite of it.

So maybe a dining prig can, in fact, make some exceptions for a chain, but you'll still never find me enjoying a sweet onion chicken teriyaki at Subway. Something about Jared and his poorly-fitting pants just creeps me out.

Kowalski, an English junior at UNC-Chapel Hill, is spending the summer at GU. He blogs at www.readthebiscuit.com and has never eaten a fast food burger. He swears.

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