Spring Break
Insights!
The Georgetown Independent
Issue date: 3/28/07 Section: Insights
- Page 1 of 1
Calling Ms. Cleo
A Wisconsin fire marshall was placed on administrative leave after using department computers to contact psychics. Guess he didn't see that one coming.
Meat-eaters love animals too
A man was put on probation after being caught having sex with a dead deer, his second infractionfor having sex with a dead animal. When reached for comment, the man said, "What do you expect me to do, have sex with a live deer?"
Monsieur, Arrest that Panzer!
A French tourist recently outsmarted a Dutch bag-snatcher when the would-be mugger chased him into a police station. The Frenchman was held up as a shining example of a French retreat actually amounting to something.
Four-eyes is better than no eyes
Two Chinese brothers posing as eye doctors misperformed laser cataract treatments resulting in nine victims contracting infections that required their eyes to be removed. In the land of the blind, the man with the good HMO is king.
Jon, She's Too Young
Public health officials in Virginia have begun using comic books to educate young girls about the dangers of statutory rape. Yeah, because everyone loves creepy sexual encounters with their Garfield.
Jesus Loves Everyone
An evangelical priest in Michigan has set up an organization called XXXChurch.com to bring the word of God to pornstars. The nativity scene will be re-released as Mary Does Bethlehem.
Quality Time with Dad
A man and his son have been charged with rape and wrongful imprisonment after they were found to have captured and sexually abused a teenaged girl for over a week in their home. In this age of divorce and fatherlessness, it's good to see fathers and sons spending time together.
Red, White and Blue (and Green)
The Court of Appeals ruled that the Federal Government had the right to prosecute a San Fransisco woman whose doctor said that medical marijuana is the only thing keeping her alive. That and the munchies.
Bring out your dead, PLEASE
British medical trainers have recently been complaining about the lack of cadavers available fortraining medical students and the negative effects it will have on the life-saving skills of those training to be doctors. One medic put it simply, "If more people don't die, more people are going to die!"
Buzz cut
Two Atlanta men were found trying to kill themselves by cutting each other's arms off with a hand-held circular saw. However, neither of them has revealed how they planned to get the fourth arm off.
Dirrrty Jersey
Three New Jersey thieves stole lingerie with a retail value of nearly $12,000 from a Victoria's Secret store by stuffing the undergarments into bags designed to foil anti-theft equipment. In light of this event, DPS would like to remind Georgetown ladies to lock their doors, or the take could be far pricier here.
Maybe he'll end up on death row...
A Texas legislator recently proposed that pregnant women considering abortion be offered $500 to proceed with the pregnancy. Imagine that - Texas paying to preserve life.
"No son, that's not real blood"
A Pennsylvania man thought it would be funny to play a practical joke on his wife by smearing himself with tomato sauce and pretending to be shot. The man ended up in jail because the possession of a firearm violated his parole. Talk about a plan backfiring.
"He won the nicest inmate contest..."
An Indian man in prison and facing 32 charges, including kidnapping and murder, is running for office in upcoming elections. The man claims that, after his execution, he will be reincarnated as the better candidate.
A Wisconsin fire marshall was placed on administrative leave after using department computers to contact psychics. Guess he didn't see that one coming.
Meat-eaters love animals too
A man was put on probation after being caught having sex with a dead deer, his second infractionfor having sex with a dead animal. When reached for comment, the man said, "What do you expect me to do, have sex with a live deer?"
Monsieur, Arrest that Panzer!
A French tourist recently outsmarted a Dutch bag-snatcher when the would-be mugger chased him into a police station. The Frenchman was held up as a shining example of a French retreat actually amounting to something.
Four-eyes is better than no eyes
Two Chinese brothers posing as eye doctors misperformed laser cataract treatments resulting in nine victims contracting infections that required their eyes to be removed. In the land of the blind, the man with the good HMO is king.
Jon, She's Too Young
Public health officials in Virginia have begun using comic books to educate young girls about the dangers of statutory rape. Yeah, because everyone loves creepy sexual encounters with their Garfield.
Jesus Loves Everyone
An evangelical priest in Michigan has set up an organization called XXXChurch.com to bring the word of God to pornstars. The nativity scene will be re-released as Mary Does Bethlehem.
Quality Time with Dad
A man and his son have been charged with rape and wrongful imprisonment after they were found to have captured and sexually abused a teenaged girl for over a week in their home. In this age of divorce and fatherlessness, it's good to see fathers and sons spending time together.
Red, White and Blue (and Green)
The Court of Appeals ruled that the Federal Government had the right to prosecute a San Fransisco woman whose doctor said that medical marijuana is the only thing keeping her alive. That and the munchies.
Bring out your dead, PLEASE
British medical trainers have recently been complaining about the lack of cadavers available fortraining medical students and the negative effects it will have on the life-saving skills of those training to be doctors. One medic put it simply, "If more people don't die, more people are going to die!"
Buzz cut
Two Atlanta men were found trying to kill themselves by cutting each other's arms off with a hand-held circular saw. However, neither of them has revealed how they planned to get the fourth arm off.
Dirrrty Jersey
Three New Jersey thieves stole lingerie with a retail value of nearly $12,000 from a Victoria's Secret store by stuffing the undergarments into bags designed to foil anti-theft equipment. In light of this event, DPS would like to remind Georgetown ladies to lock their doors, or the take could be far pricier here.
Maybe he'll end up on death row...
A Texas legislator recently proposed that pregnant women considering abortion be offered $500 to proceed with the pregnancy. Imagine that - Texas paying to preserve life.
"No son, that's not real blood"
A Pennsylvania man thought it would be funny to play a practical joke on his wife by smearing himself with tomato sauce and pretending to be shot. The man ended up in jail because the possession of a firearm violated his parole. Talk about a plan backfiring.
"He won the nicest inmate contest..."
An Indian man in prison and facing 32 charges, including kidnapping and murder, is running for office in upcoming elections. The man claims that, after his execution, he will be reincarnated as the better candidate.
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